ReMade

*****TRIGGER WARNING: Sexual Assault, abuse

Oh, how I still wish I didn't need a trigger warning as a part of my life story.  This is one of those blog posts that I publish and then change to unlisted, again and again.  As the years pass I will probably continue to edit this story as I grow and journey on.  

In May of 2017 had been almost 22 years since I had seen him. I was out on a date with my husband. We were dining outside and Jay had gone back in to get our food when I saw him. It was a rush of blind terror.  A panic attack in an instant. It felt like I would die. I bolted to the car.

I had been praying about speaking to a counselor for a few weeks prior. Prom season was a yearly reminder. I would see the dresses and the decked-out teens popping up. I asked God, should I speak to someone after all this time? Will it just dredge up feelings best left alone? And then, that night at the restaurant, I had an answer. 

I never felt responsible for what he did to me. I was a senior in high school as the abusive relationship unfolded. He was my first. I felt like it might make me seem easy if I broke up with him after the relationship got physical. So, I continued on, even as it escalated from possessiveness, then hurtful comments, and eventually physical harm towards me. He called me names. He would talk about my clothes and shame my body. He would grab my arms and throw things at me. Shove me, scream in my face. He would cry hysterically when I tried to break up with him. 

But I never expected the violence would escalate as it did that night. There were two people who could have helped me, who saw and heard my begging and pleading, but they turned and walked out, drove away. No call for help. What happened after was horrific. Violent. I feared for my life. Big chunks I don’t remember. And he brought roses to school and delivered them to me in my portable classroom the next Monday. The girls in 6th period swooned. I threw them in the trash. The sight of roses would make me sick for years after.

I asked God why did He let this happen to me? I hated Him for it.  And I grew in bitterness as I felt like a vessel that had been broken, smashed, and crudely glued back together. Twenty-two years of shoving down, holding all that hurt, anger, fear so tightly in my hands, though it rotted me. 

During counseling, I began to realize that I held onto so much pain because the idea of giving it to God felt like my saying that what happened didn't matter. Didn't crush me. What God has shown me is that it did matter. It does matter. But sitting in that space of brokenness for the rest of my life and saying “look how ugly this is” is not the end He wants for me and it’s not the end Christ modeled for me.

Jesus didn’t stay in the grave. He was not ashamed of His wounds but there was more to Him than the crucifixion. He had a mission. He got up from the grave and worshipped and used His wounds to bring unity and offer redemption. For all of us. He covered it, wiped it, carried it away.  His love covers my best and worst days. His grace abounds when I am feeling angry and stuck. He isn't waiting for me to "move on". He just wants me to remember to look up. To see that there is beauty and joy still to be had. He has a divine purpose for my life, and even my wounds will be given purpose. To give love and empathy. 

Sometimes it is still hard. Sometimes I desire to be God of my own broken kingdom more than I desire freedom and rescue and resting in His finished work.  There is real value in looking inward. But not camping out there.  When I am struggling, stuck in a dark place of remembering, He asks me how I want to be known. Do I want to be seen FOR my scars or THROUGH my scars? When I am compelled to look within, I have to remember to look for the light there too. To look for the presence that is always with me. That turns my eyes back up.
What I hope people will see in me is this:
That I will stand in the shelter of the Most High God. That I will radiate Jesus.

Comments

  1. What a beautiful testimony. I love you friend!!

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    1. This is your friend Ashley btw...didn't mean to leave it anonymous ha

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