Wide Awake

"Thunder rumbling

Castles crumbling

I am trying to hold on.

God knows that I tried 

Seeing the bright side

I'm not blind anymore.

I'm wide awake."

-Wide Awake by Katy Perry

    Sometimes a song brings forth one set of emotions for a time, but after a life experience it hits you in a completely raw, new way. This past Sunday, our minister at church spoke about the difficulties of living in liberation. The sermon had a fantastic title: "Craving Freedom, But Longing for Egypt." It was excellent. The sermon struck me in a different way, and I thought immediately about my own struggle against walking right into a new Egypt. 

    I don't think enough is said these days about the loneliness that comes from walking away from an old identity. Whether it be an abusive relationship, an addiction, or an ideology, there is a death to grieve. There are feelings to untangle, belief systems, motivations and patterns to address. Sifting through all of that isn't fun. It is incredibly tempting to either walk it back to whence you came or walk ahead right into a shiny new cage. It is difficult NOT to find yourself (once in chains over there) now shackling up over here instead.

    I was telling my husband that I actually don't trust most of the people currently making christian "content".  It seems most everyone has an agenda and it usually isn't Jesus, but book sales or political platforms or mini courses. A new recipe for the good christian soldier just falls FLAT. On all sides it seems like people are peddling everything except the good news of Emmanuel: God WITH us! In matters of faith, I honestly struggle with whose teaching I trust to sit under. I hate feeling this way. Finding oneself sitting there in the messy middle can feel extremely lonely. Yet, I would rather wander with the exiles: clinging to equal parts faith and doubt than march with the mob of certainty. 

    If you are reading this and this feels like you, well, you aren't alone. May we keep wide awake, even when it hurts and feels lonely. May we keep listening for the voices that stir us up to good works and freedom. May Christ grant us hearts of flesh to love and eyes to see that He is working in our midst.  May we remember and give thanks to the teachers and ministers who are walking with us: Thanks John and Lily! May we busy ourselves with comforting, loving, and encouraging each other. And when we feel sad or lonely, missing our old places, may we give thanks to Jesus, who breaks our chains, even ones that gave us comfort, allowing us to stretch our faith and reach up to Him.  

"Yeah, I am born again

Out of the lion's den

I don't have to pretend

The story's over now, the end.

I wish I knew then what I know now

Wouldn't dive in, wouldn't bow down

Gravity hurts, you made it so sweet 

Till I woke up on, on the concrete. " 

*****

-Wide Awake by Katy Perry

Temptation to Resurrection

    This lent, I gave up social media. Ash Wednesday was on Valentine's Day this year, so I was attending the JVC luncheon the first day of my fast. It was interesting to immediately be tempted by a desire to share pictures that first day. I have quit and re-started social media MANY times. I do, actually, hate it in almost every way.  There are probably more than two previous posts about my disdain for it on this blog.  AND YET... I keep circling back hoping to find it might have changed [like some toxic ex-boyfriend] only to find it is quite the same. An ad for ozempic next to my friend's post about her grief at the loss of her father.

    I wish we lived in a world where people still wanted to call each other, to have the back and forth, the ummm hmmm and sighs and ohhhs of real conversation in real time.  We say we don't have time, but is that really true? The best most of us give and get these days are texts, marco polo videos, snaps, voxer recordings, or apple voice memos.  Press play, listen to a recording and then record your own response.  I am 100% guilty of this! What in the world are we doing? I am so thankful for friends that still want to get together face to face for conversation. And yet, even face to face, we have to fight the urge to look down at our phones or watches. 

    When I logged back in this morning, I saw that I had definitely missed some happenings in my friends' lives.  I wonder, do they think I don't care when I simply haven't been on to look or comment? Do they feel like they have to do the same for me when I post so I won't feel bad? Is there more fruit or rot as we click and like and scroll? Is this what we are supposed to do EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES? 

    And, I just don't want to.  It's too noisy.  It makes me less loving.  It is not emboided.  It will never deliver the face to face connection we are all so hungry for; that we were actually MADE for. It was so uncomfortable resisting the draw of it even though I hate it.  It reminds me of when I smoked and wanted to quit so badly but couldn't. What a powerful hold it has had on me. Numbing me and distracting me and engaging me and enraging me.  

    So, I quit. I'm off it. I want to resurrect the life I had before all that stuff.  I will miss out, but I hope to gain more. I have loved this little blog for years and I want to keep using it. I don't care if anyone likes it or comments. Writing is one of the ways I pray and process. I am so thankful for this lenten journey and how much I discovered about myself and temptation. I asked over and over: Jesus HOW, how did you resist against your hunger, against being tempted to showcase your power (pride), and against every worldly treasure promised if you would bow down and worship the deceiver? How did you choose human embodiment even when its limitations were so hard and painful? But that was the life God sent Him for. The life God sent us for. That fully embodied, we might feel our lack and look to Him.  

Photos from our Lenten Season   

JVC Luncheon

Bridge Troll Babes

 Senior Color Run

First and last day of Co Op (Ever for Isaac!)

 Vanguard Showcase

Sigil Music Museum

Godzilla X Kong for Eden's Bday

Another amazing cake by Heather

15!!!!!

Two of my favorite ladies

Easter

Eden's new lizard