Wide Awake

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"Thunder rumbling

Castles crumbling

I am trying to hold on.

God knows that I tried 

Seeing the bright side

I'm not blind anymore.

I'm wide awake."

-Wide Awake by Katy Perry


    Sometimes a song brings forth one set of emotions for a time, but after a life experience it hits you in a completely raw, new way. This past Sunday, our minister at church spoke about the difficulties of living in liberation. The sermon had a fantastic title: "Craving Freedom, But Longing for Egypt." It was excellent. The sermon struck me in a different way, and I thought immediately about my own struggle against walking right into a new Egypt. 

    I don't think enough is said these days about the loneliness that comes from walking away from an old identity. Whether it be an abusive relationship, an addiction, or an ideology, there is a death to grieve. There are feelings to untangle, belief systems, motivations and patterns to address. Sifting through all of that isn't fun. It is incredibly tempting to either walk it back to whence you came or walk ahead right into a shiny new cage. It is difficult NOT to find yourself (once in chains over there) now shackling up over here instead.

    I was telling my husband that I actually don't trust most of the people currently making christian "content".  It seems most everyone has an agenda and it usually isn't Jesus, but book sales or political platforms or mini courses. A new recipe for the good christian soldier just falls FLAT. On all sides it seems like people are peddling everything except the good news of Emmanuel: God WITH us! In matters of faith, I honestly struggle with whose teaching I trust to sit under. I hate feeling this way. Finding oneself sitting there in the messy middle can feel extremely lonely. Yet, I would rather wander with the exiles: clinging to equal parts faith and doubt than march with the mob of certainty. 

    If you are reading this and this feels like you, well, you aren't alone. May we keep wide awake, even when it hurts and feels lonely. May we keep listening for the voices that stir us up to good works and freedom. May Christ grant us hearts of flesh to love and eyes to see that He is working in our midst.  May we remember and give thanks to the teachers and ministers who are walking with us: Thanks John and Lily! May we busy ourselves with comforting, loving, and encouraging each other. And when we feel sad or lonely, missing our old places, may we give thanks to Jesus, who breaks our chains, even ones that gave us comfort, allowing us to stretch our faith and reach up to Him.  


"Yeah, I am born again

Out of the lion's den

I don't have to pretend

The story's over now, the end.

I wish I knew then what I know now

Wouldn't dive in, wouldn't bow down

Gravity hurts, you made it so sweet 

Till I woke up on, on the concrete. " 

*****

-Wide Awake by Katy Perry





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