Wide Awake

"Thunder rumbling

Castles crumbling

I am trying to hold on.

God knows that I tried 

Seeing the bright side

I'm not blind anymore.

I'm wide awake."

-Wide Awake by Katy Perry

    Sometimes a song brings forth one set of emotions for a time, but after a life experience it hits you in a completely raw, new way. This past Sunday, our minister at church spoke about the difficulties of living in liberation. The sermon had a fantastic title: "Craving Freedom, But Longing for Egypt." It was excellent. The sermon struck me in a different way, and I thought immediately about my own struggle against walking right into a new Egypt. 

    I don't think enough is said these days about the loneliness that comes from walking away from an old identity. Whether it be an abusive relationship, an addiction, or an ideology, there is a death to grieve. There are feelings to untangle, belief systems, motivations and patterns to address. Sifting through all of that isn't fun. It is incredibly tempting to either walk it back to whence you came or walk ahead right into a shiny new cage. It is difficult NOT to find yourself (once in chains over there) now shackling up over here instead.

    I was telling my husband that I actually don't trust most of the people currently making christian "content".  It seems most everyone has an agenda and it usually isn't Jesus, but book sales or political platforms or mini courses. A new recipe for the good christian soldier just falls FLAT. On all sides it seems like people are peddling everything except the good news of Emmanuel: God WITH us! In matters of faith, I honestly struggle with whose teaching I trust to sit under. I hate feeling this way. Finding oneself sitting there in the messy middle can feel extremely lonely. Yet, I would rather wander with the exiles: clinging to equal parts faith and doubt than march with the mob of certainty. 

    If you are reading this and this feels like you, well, you aren't alone. May we keep wide awake, even when it hurts and feels lonely. May we keep listening for the voices that stir us up to good works and freedom. May Christ grant us hearts of flesh to love and eyes to see that He is working in our midst.  May we remember and give thanks to the teachers and ministers who are walking with us: Thanks John and Lily! May we busy ourselves with comforting, loving, and encouraging each other. And when we feel sad or lonely, missing our old places, may we give thanks to Jesus, who breaks our chains, even ones that gave us comfort, allowing us to stretch our faith and reach up to Him.  

"Yeah, I am born again

Out of the lion's den

I don't have to pretend

The story's over now, the end.

I wish I knew then what I know now

Wouldn't dive in, wouldn't bow down

Gravity hurts, you made it so sweet 

Till I woke up on, on the concrete. " 

*****

-Wide Awake by Katy Perry

Temptation to Resurrection

    This lent, I gave up social media. Ash Wednesday was on Valentine's Day this year, so I was attending the JVC luncheon the first day of my fast. It was interesting to immediately be tempted by a desire to share pictures that first day. I have quit and re-started social media MANY times. I do, actually, hate it in almost every way.  There are probably more than two previous posts about my disdain for it on this blog.  AND YET... I keep circling back hoping to find it might have changed [like some toxic ex-boyfriend] only to find it is quite the same. An ad for ozempic next to my friend's post about her grief at the loss of her father.

    I wish we lived in a world where people still wanted to call each other, to have the back and forth, the ummm hmmm and sighs and ohhhs of real conversation in real time.  We say we don't have time, but is that really true? The best most of us give and get these days are texts, marco polo videos, snaps, voxer recordings, or apple voice memos.  Press play, listen to a recording and then record your own response.  I am 100% guilty of this! What in the world are we doing? I am so thankful for friends that still want to get together face to face for conversation. And yet, even face to face, we have to fight the urge to look down at our phones or watches. 

    When I logged back in this morning, I saw that I had definitely missed some happenings in my friends' lives.  I wonder, do they think I don't care when I simply haven't been on to look or comment? Do they feel like they have to do the same for me when I post so I won't feel bad? Is there more fruit or rot as we click and like and scroll? Is this what we are supposed to do EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES? 

    And, I just don't want to.  It's too noisy.  It makes me less loving.  It is not emboided.  It will never deliver the face to face connection we are all so hungry for; that we were actually MADE for. It was so uncomfortable resisting the draw of it even though I hate it.  It reminds me of when I smoked and wanted to quit so badly but couldn't. What a powerful hold it has had on me. Numbing me and distracting me and engaging me and enraging me.  

    So, I quit. I'm off it. I want to resurrect the life I had before all that stuff.  I will miss out, but I hope to gain more. I have loved this little blog for years and I want to keep using it. I don't care if anyone likes it or comments. Writing is one of the ways I pray and process. I am so thankful for this lenten journey and how much I discovered about myself and temptation. I asked over and over: Jesus HOW, how did you resist against your hunger, against being tempted to showcase your power (pride), and against every worldly treasure promised if you would bow down and worship the deceiver? How did you choose human embodiment even when its limitations were so hard and painful? But that was the life God sent Him for. The life God sent us for. That fully embodied, we might feel our lack and look to Him.  

Photos from our Lenten Season   

JVC Luncheon

Bridge Troll Babes

 Senior Color Run

First and last day of Co Op (Ever for Isaac!)

 Vanguard Showcase

Sigil Music Museum

Godzilla X Kong for Eden's Bday

Another amazing cake by Heather

15!!!!!

Two of my favorite ladies

Easter

Eden's new lizard

The Two Still Standing

 

I’m no bible scholar, but it seems to me the people Jesus called out the most (when he wasn’t otherwise occupied with healing, serving, or teaching) were those who already thought they were holy. Today, I read in John 8 about when the Pharisees and the scribes brought a woman who had been caught in adultery into the temple. They did this because Jesus was teaching there and they wanted to test him, hoping his response would allow them to bring a charge against him. His penchant for grace was a threat to the law they so loved. 

The first thing that struck me about this passage was that the Pharisees dragged the woman into the TEMPLE, into the house of God. Why? To accuse her, to attempt a stoning, and to bring charges against Jesus. It seems so horrible. The house of the Lord should have been a place of healing, grace, humility, repentance. A place to encounter God. Instead we see a sinful, prideful mob looking for blood and to raise their own elevated egos.  

If you read the rest of the scene, the holy folks ask Jesus what should be done to the woman, reminding him that stoning is the law. And Jesus did the most awesome of boss moves: he bent over and wrote in the ground. As they asked again and again he looked up and said “Let anyone among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone.” Then he did some more ground writing  (*some ancient authorities say he wrote the sins of each of them). And low and behold, they went away, one by one, the elders first.  And Jesus addressed the woman: “Woman, where did they all go? Has no one condemned you?’ She said “No one, Lord.” And he said “Neither do I condemn you. Go now and leave your life of sin.”

In churches of my past, ministers and fellow congregants have pointed out that Jesus did command the woman to go and sin no more at the close of the scene.  That actually has been the big takeaway for some, and yet this is not the big takeaway sitting with me as I read and sat with the passage. Also, when I was discussing this with my husband he pointed out that nowhere in the passage do we even hear the woman ask for forgiveness nor express her own repentance.  Not that it didn’t happen, but it is not mentioned. What is clear to see in the passage, is the vast difference between the character of the condemners and the character of Jesus. The Pharisees accuse the woman, who has indeed done wrong. But Christ calls out the accusers. 

This passage also reminded me of church disciplines I have witnessed in the past.  There, the words spoken had a kindly tone, where “truth in love” was the delivery. And desire for hopeful restoration and details of all that had been done to “help bring the person back into repentance.” But ultimately it felt like a public shaming, an instruction to exclude, to only interact with the person insofar as to encourage repentance. A different stoning of sorts. And public shaming is not just an Evangelical weapon of choice, it is EVERYWHERE. I see it daily from the secular to the religious, from left and the right and everyone in between. We accusers are loud and sometimes well intentioned.  But I doubt what good we are doing throwing rocks and hurling accusations. Perhaps our time would be better spent healing, helping or speaking words of life to each other.  And on occasion, bending over and writing in the sand as we contemplate our own hearts and sins, remembering Jesus who sent all the stone throwers away and then set the woman free.  

Life Worth Living

 

I am thrilled to have finished another fabulous book this month! Life Worth Living (by Volf, Croasmun, and McNally-Linz) was a perfect follow-up to Postman's Amusing Ourselves to Death. 

Let's dig into what really resonated for me.  

This book was based on a very popular course offered at Yale. Its aim is to take the reader on an excavation of sorts. Uncovering what exactly it is to YOU that makes a life worth living. 

First, I want to share this cautionary tale from the opening of the book. A man named Albert Speer was an impossibly talented architect.  He fancied himself an architect to his very core.  His ultimate dream was the chance to build the unimaginable.  Unfortunately, Hitler made him an offer he decided he couldn't refuse.  He would build the New Reich Chancellery. Hitler's foreign headquarters which included a marble gallery, along with many other massive, groundbreaking structures. See them here.  His work was funded by Hitler and his buildings were built with the aid of slave labor.  

"There is a certain greatness to Albert Speer. It lies in the fact that he was '"above all an architect."' That singular devotion to his career made him an exceptionally good architect. But that greatness also contains the monstrosity of his life because that same singular devotion also made him an exceptionally bad human being. "

It is interesting to me that our culture is so centered on hacks, morning routines, productivity, and success. Yet little thought or wisdom is given to what exactly we are hacking towards, or why we want any of these things, do they deliver, and furthermore ARE THESE THINGS EVEN WORTH WANTING? 

That is the question I am still mulling over: what is worth wanting? This question seems to me like a great foundation.  And a lot of us are building lives with no foundation whatsoever and finding ourselves blowing all over the place. 

The authors include insights from many different religious traditions: including Buddhism, Confucianism, Christianity, and Judaism just to name a few.  The book also explores different philosophies from famous figures in history. Oscar Wilde, James Baldwin, Mary Wollstonecraft, Nietzsche, Jeremy Bentham, and even an indigenous tale called Skywoman. These different perspectives invite the reader to lean into the perspectives that resonate and consider others that don't.  

Each chapter has questions to reflect on and journal.  I found some more useful than others.  The first four chapters of the book were especially valuable for me.  Some of the questions about what you value in contrast to how you spend your actual time and days were revealing to say the least.  

This would be an excellent read for ages 17 and up.  

I read this with a group of friends from church.  There is a podcast series to go along with it too and I will link it here. The podcast episodes feature Claire Danes, Kate Bowman, and Kelly Corrigan.  I have not listened to these yet but several of the ladies in our book discussion loved them.  

I do want to say that I think the Yale course itself would be a lot more engaging and have a better flow than the book.  The first 4 chapters were great as written, but as the book transitioned into all the different perspectives and philosophies, it felt a little bogged down and all over the place.  It was definitely worth finishing though.  

As a follower of Jesus, I have been thinking about how Christ took time to reflect on the character of God, spending time in prayer, in praise, and then pouring out what He was filled with.  He knew what was worth wanting.  And from there He did what was worth doing.  He began and he ended with acts of love.   

So what do you think? What is worth wanting? What is a life worth living? 

Let Me Live in the House by the Side of the Road

 

I love this cross stitch, it was made by my Great Aunt Margaret and it hung in my Mema’s house. That is actually HER farmhouse in the picture. When they moved her the house had no plumbing or electricity. There was an outhouse and a well on the property. A great big pecan tree. I grew up on the property right behind her home and barns. Wow, this sounds about as southern as you can get. 

 Anyway, it hangs in my home now, and I don’t know if you can read it, but it says “Let me live in the house by the side of the road and be a friend to man”

This was basically Mema's rule of life, not that she would have called it that.  

She was a friend to everyone she met. 

She never had an Instagram account or a Facebook feed.  I have no idea how social media would have shaped her for better or worse. Her life was lived out in those flesh-and-bone days that we seem to be stepping away from. My memories of her are all wrapped up in my senses. I remember the feel of the skin on her arms wrapped around me. The spiky texture of her amber tea glasses in my hands. The sizzle of her skillet. Her freezing cold bedroom in the front of the house where she would tuck my twin and me up into bed as girls and pack us in tight under so many blankets. The sound of the kickball as she kicked it toward us. Her perfect lap and silky soft hair. The sound of her voice as she made up stories for us. Her kooky friends that would often visit. How she tried to find the good in everyone. She delighted in a loving God, in his people, in his creation. She made everyone feel like they were her favorite.

I am so thankful I can remember her as a woman with her eyes and heart set upon whomever crossed her path.  She was a witness to the world unfolding right before her. And not through empty words, but through her VERY LIFE, she testified to all that was good and beautiful and broken in it.

And I wonder how our world might change if each one of us just lived in the house by the side of the road and was a friend to man.  

Omnipotent, Omnsicient, and Omnipresent or Powerless, Stupid, and Nowhere?

“Cannot you see, cannot all you lecturers see, that it is we that are dying, and that down here the only thing that really lives is the Machine? We created the Machine, to do our will, but we cannot make it do our will now. It has robbed us of the sense of space and of the sense of touch, it has blurred every human relation and narrowed down love to a carnal act, it has paralyzed our bodies and our wills, and now it compels us to worship it. The Machine develops – but not on our lives. The Machine proceeds – but not to our goal. We only exist as the blood corpuscles that course through its arteries, and if it could work without us, it would let us die”  

-The Machine Stops E.M. Forster

I love a chilling quote, and this quote from The Machine Stops DELIVERS.  If you have not read this short story, I highly recommend it. I first heard about this story on Tsh Oxenreider's podcast: A Drink With A Friend.  Her guest was Autumn Kern, a fellow Charlotte Mason Homeschooling enthusiast.  The episode was about Autumn's recent abandonment of her smartphone for a flip phone.  Their conversation was phenomenal.  I always enjoy Tsh's podcast and how thoughtful she is at both crafting a life that represents her values and sharing it on her podcast.  

As Autumn began to share her thoughts on social media and having a mini computer in our back pockets I found myself nodding along with her.  She asked a question that just floored me, and I am going to paraphrase: "Are these things making us feel like we are God?" 

Omnipotent? At the push of a button, we can declare our beliefs, attack those we disagree with, and assemble a virtual tribe that will tell us we are right right right.  Powerful or powerless?

Omniscient? We can answer countless questions with a simple Google search. Are we full of more knowledge or are we becoming stupid? 

Omnipresent? We are ACCESSIBLE to anyone in our contact list or on our social media feeds at all times.  Are we everywhere or are we LOST? Are we even present with those humans right next to us? 

It is shocking that day after day we know these things aren't delivering what we are looking for.  Like drinking salt water and finding yourself more and more parched, yet choking down another pitcher.  WHAT ARE WE DOING?? And what will we do about it? 

How can we love with our hands and our hearts when we are too busy scrolling on a hamster wheel? How will we hear the Spirit when we never take time for quiet reflection? 

Maybe we don't all need a flip phone.  Maybe some of us do.  I for sure don't need to be spending much time on social platforms like IG or FB.  The more time I spend on them the more hopeless I feel.  The less loving I am.  Detached and disembodied, my words are not tempered with any measure of grace.  When my kids see me on platforms daily where I am ranting and raving about politics and people then I'm not teaching them to love the world, I'm actually teaching them to hate it.  And while it's true that Jesus did call out the Pharisees on occasion, in person, he actually spent the majority of his time loving people, healing people, and delivering messages of encouragement and hope.  All of these interactions were HUMAN interactions. Face to face by a God who EMBODIED himself to meet us in person.  Feet washed. Dirty bodies touched, Tears wiped. 

I don't see how we can become better humans by dehumanizing ourselves.  And so the work of embodiment in this age of virtual everything seems so daunting.  And yet while I am still in this physical body, I want to lean into this physical world God created us for, with full hope that when this body is discarded, the spiritual realm that awaits will infinitely redeem a fallen virtual platform created by man.  

A Drink with A Friend

Our Week in Pictures 11/5/22

This week Jason was on vacation. We kicked it off with Trunk or Treat at church, Sunday night.

Monday we had Halloween at Kim and Heather’s and I can’t believe I took zero pictures! We had pizza and watched Insidious. I love traditions. The boys stood out front and scared the older kids that were trick or treating.  

Tuesday the kids had Fall Festival at Vanguard and I only got one photo of Jason manning the balloon game. The kids had a blast though. 

Thursday we headed to Landrum for lunch and then stopped by Landrum Eclectics. What a cool place.  We snagged Saint Francis and he’s in our front yard now. 

Rounded out our week with some cooking and games. What a fun staycation we had.