Showered With Love, Full of Love, Emptied By Love, Made Into Love: A Christmas Story

 Jay and I were talking about Jesus as a baby, and how did that work? At what age did he have awareness of who he was? I actually have no idea, but it is something to wonder over. Jesus, wordless and in a diaper. Being cared for, cleaned, and fed by human hands. 

At a ripe old age, we will eventually revert back to our baby selves, but in old bodies. I saw this with my Mema. Age and dementia took her away piece by piece.  I remember wondering where the rest of her was. Was her spirit still there? Was she trapped inside or was she just slipping away, and how much of ourselves do we shed, what is left that goes on? 

When she could still shower on her own I remember standing outside the bathroom door just listening, making sure all was well. When she got out  of the shower she was crying "Oh God, oh Lord, please help me. Please Jesus help me. I am so tired." Over and over again. It was so sad. So much of her privacy had been taken from her that I just stood and let her have her moment. She was so tender and vulnerable. Still aware enough to know she was slipping away from herself. I remember thinking, "Where are you, God? Why are you making her suffer this way?" The moment passed and after a few minutes of quiet, I knocked on the door, helped her dry off, and get dressed. 

Later that morning she sat on the porch with her lunch and sang to the birds. She marveled at how beautiful the day was and what a gift it was to sit in the sun. How gorgeous God's creation was. There are a million things I could tell you about my Mema. How she buried a son and then went shopping for her other two children at Christmas. How she would laugh and sing and play and cook, and sometimes her eyes would well up with tears. How she made up amazing stories and made us feel so loved.

When she endured hatred, pain, and loss it seemed God also filled her up with love. Her tenderness made space for love. She was radiant. Even that day in the bathroom crying out she was still radiant. Emptied and filled.

Jesus took the world aback with his tenderness. Born in a manger, rode on a donkey, befriended the exiles, defeated death by dying, and said things like "the least shall be the greatest." 

Mark says as he hung that Jesus said "My God, why have you forsaken me?" Luke tells that He said, "Father, into your hands I commend my spirit." John records Christ's words as "It is finished." 

Emptied of His human life, He would be filled with enough love and mercy to save the entire world. 

Oh, this Christmas that we could think of life and death this way. We will be emptied and filled with eternal love and mercy from our first cries to our last exhale. That we would spend our days sharing with others with the radiance of God's love, even as we cry out for more. 

Manger Hospitality

 Christmas is such a busy season.  I was thinking about what to say for the welcome at church tomorrow and my brain is frazzled and multi-tasking.  Presents and plans and gatherings.  Opportunities for service. Making sure it all gets into the calendar. Wrapping and cooking. All beautiful gifts of the season.  But, So. Very. Busy. And I am a person that loves white space much more than a full calendar.  

Baby Jesus we are told, was born in a manger, no room in the Inn. From what I understand about that time period, mangers were actually extensions of the home, often a lower level where animals were kept. This means someone did make space and offered what they had to welcome Mary and Joseph.  Jesus came into the world via imperfect hospitality. For many of us, imperfect hospitality is just about all we have to offer this time of year, and I really think it is a beautiful gift. 

This Christmas, I am trying to throw out perfection and embrace the messiness. Remember that Jesus both extended welcome and accepted others hospitality.  He was not worried about appearances, or place settings. He didn't offer a cold shoulder, but wide open arms. And that is what I hope to bring with me this season. 

Dancing: I've Been Changed

 

I love dance.  For me it is equal parts worship and fun, spiritual expression. The way I feel most alive as my spirit and body come together. Movement for me is holy and healing. It is one way God replaces my garments of grief with clothes of joy. 

These past two years, our collective world has been enveloped with death and suffering. Our country specifically has experienced political polarization and it seems that we have moved further from each other, retreating into our own tiny islands of isolation (my personal coping strategy) or lashing out via our social platforms. 

I have often forgotten to dance. Stopped listening to the music of beauty and truth, stopped looking for what is right and good and true. These things we must slow down and look for. Slow down and listen for. Tear our eyes away from what is hard and awful for a bit to remember. It is a miracle that we are here. That we have bodies with life breathed into them by God. That as believers we are gifted and filled with love, purpose, and life. That we are more fully alive when step off of our islands, move towards our neighbors and give these gifts away. 

This video below, by Jordan Feliz, is such a celebration of the life I hope to live. Passing down a legacy of love, of welcome, of invitation to a life of joy as these earthly attachments diminish.  

You can't watch this without feeling free and full of purpose.  

Jesus, move me today. 

Turn my mourning into dancing

Push my gaze out

Let me be a song, a dance 

That draws others in

And changes the tune of the world

Got A Hole In My Heart, Can You Handle My Love?

 

"Can You Handle My Love" by Walk the Moon. 

I can hear pretty much any song as a worship song. It may be a superpower (or perhaps it is just strange), but I hear from God often and in all kinds of music.  

I heard this one on the radio yesterday and the lyrics above cut deep for me, I can imagine they would for many of us.  The song is about that hole in our hearts and how we try to fill it with chemicals, or anything else.  The lyrics make it seem like it would be a sad song, but it isn't at all. The lyricist is simply stating his self-awareness while getting on about his life.  

I was thinking about how I do try to fill that hole in my heart with anything and everything.  A lot of people will say things like "That hole is just a God-sized hole and only God can fill it." Like we just declare one day "OK God, now you fill that hole in me", and BOOM, hole is gone now, so glad that's over, let's all praise the Lord. 

I think that this is total crap and bad theology. Our lives are filled with so many valleys and peaks. Periods of long straight paths and winding roads too. Sometimes my spirit is filled to bursting with God's love and presence; while other times it feels empty and parched, as though He has left me completely. Jesus Himself felt this way on the cross.  

So what do we do with this? I'm not sure. But today I put this jam on repeat and sang parts of it aloud to God. 

"All the possibilities got me feeling kinda free

Then my insecurities get me down on my knees

Like I can't believe I need a release

Gotta feed my soul, gotta spread my wings

I made mistakes but I still own up

I may be late but I still show up

If you can't relate then you're too grown-up

Life is the bomb and it might blow up

So can you handle my love?

Then take a chance with my love

Said can you handle my love?

Then close your eyes, roll the dice

Take a chance with my, chance with my love"

For Those Who Don't Belong. And a Prayer for Deconstruction.

 For those who would follow Him, Jesus began deconstructing ALL of their beliefs. Unpacking the heart motivations behind them.  Deconstruction feels a lot like losing yourself.  For me it began with unease.  Quiet disagreement stirring in my spirit that would grow more and more uncomfortable.  

When I began my journey as a believer, I was 30-ish years old. Jesus sealed the deal for me.  This Jesus, who loved like no other, who was a simple man with no pretenses of status. The humble carpenter who was holy and meek.  Somewhere along the journey of following Him, I lost that vision. The path got blurry, I thought I was following Him, but I was following a new shepherd.  I traded Free in Christ for Jesus Plus XYZ.  Staying in agreement with my faith community became more important than following Him. When the ”Christian community” at large began to look a lot less like Jesus and a lot more like the Pharisees, I clung to it hard at first.  I dug in. I tried listening to the echo chamber, but I began questioning those voices too. This ember had been lit in my spirit and it would grow.  God began to open my eyes to ways that I had been unloving to His beloved people. To views that encouraged abuse and elevated man over woman instead of Christ over all.  

     I don’t know why Jesus won’t let me go. He has just passionately pursued me, even after I grab idol after idol. He is just so kind and that is the only reason I can’t walk away from Him or His church. He is worth deconstructing over. Again and again. He is worth giving up everything for.  But He will ALWAYS lead you towards loving interactions. He will lead you towards the outsider, the unloved, the powerless, the poor, the orphan. His beautiful gospels show us everything he is for.  

“Lord, these days I don’t want to argue, I want to walk in freedom with You.

I pray for those who are hurting.

I pray for those who feel like Christians are horrible.

For those who feel like they are horrible.

I pray for those believers who are wrestling.

I pray for anyone that has been told they are not welcome in your Kingdom unless XYZ.

Help us to remember that YOU are still good.

You are our Good Shepherd. You are more than enough and we are loved beyond measure by You.

Help us give grace to those we disagree with, remembering that we may have sat on that side of the table once. 

Help us give grace to ourselves, to have space for the idea that we may still have it “wrong.” 

Help us get out of your way so your Spirit can work through us.

Jesus, let us leave all this baggage at your feet.

Take our pain and lift our eyes.

Restore our souls and lead us in the right direction.

Help us to spend more time loving your people than slinging stones.”   

Amen

15

Our firstborn turned 15 on Sunday. He’s somewhere between boyhood and manhood. What a tender age. Glimpses of the different versions of the man he could become. 

Oh that we would steward your heart well. That you would choose love and mercy even as you begin to see the hate that is in the world. That it would even grow your faith and affection for Jesus. That you would never stop playing. Never stop praying. Never stop hoping. Never stop looking for the good and the beautiful. 

Happy Birthday Isaac! 

You are so beloved.